Parenting will most likely be the best and hardest thing you will ever do. I love being a parent, but before I was a parent I never thought about the different stages of parenting. Once you are aware of these stages you can better adapt to them, and prepare yourself for them.
These stages have been described in different ways by many different people, but I like this article and these 4 stages the best. I think they are the most accurate descriptions.
Stage one: the commander
This early stage is a lot like a policeman (or policewoman). You are the boss and what you say goes. In this stage some of the main goals are to teach your child right from wrong and to keep them safe. You lovingly determine and dictate what they will do most days. There isn’t much grey area in this stage. You are telling your child what to eat, when to go to bed, how to perform a task, etc. It can be a physically tiring stage because you are always on and always paying attention to what they are doing.
Stage two: coach
Stage two falls into the late elementary and middle school years. During this stage you are still the boss and are guiding your children, but you are letting them make some of their own decisions. You may provide options and let them pick which one is best. Or you may tell them to come up with options that they bring to you for approval. This is a good time to start the decision making process while they still have you to ultimately call the final shots. Teaching them to make decisions is so important and guiding them to make the best decisions is the end goal. If you make all of their decisions for them up until it’s entirely up to them, they may fall on their faces or get stuck in indecision because they do not know how to come to a good decision.
stage three: Counselor
Stage three covers your child’s teen years. This is the stage where the old styles of parenting no longer work as well. It’s also a time where your child is trying to gain more indepedence. The tension between parent and child during this time is normal. It’s hard for us parents to let go of the reigns more and more and to let our children become more independent. Independence is so important for your child and this is the time to help them develop more of it. Just like a counselor, you want to spend a lot of time listening to your child. Listening and being a safe place where they can come and vent and voice their concerns and issues is extremely important. You want your child to open up to you in this stage as much as possible. Sometimes you won’t like what you hear and that’s okay. You are still there to help guide them in the right direction. However, a teen will not listen to or obey a parent they have no relationship with. Hopefully by the time you get to this stage you have already invested in the relationship and have open communication. This stage is mostly about letting your child have safe independence while listening to them and guiding them as needed.
Stage four: consultant
Stage four starts when your child goes off to college or leaves home. This can be a difficult transition for parents because it’s time to truly let go. The good news is that you will now transition into becoming a consultant and friend. Someone your child can always come to for advice. Your disciplining days should be over at this point. (Hallelujah!) Listening to them is most important, and letting them know that you are available if they need help. The days of commanding their actions, coaching their decisions and even counseling their next move are all over. It’s now time to sit back, do a LOT of praying and let them know you love them and you are here if they need you.
Conclusion
Each child and each circumstance can be different for different families. These stages also can overlap each other. One stage can begin before the previous one is finished. However, just knowing about these stages can help your parenting significantly. You can begin to prepare for the next stage if you know it’s coming. My best parenting advice though, is to pray and pray and pray some more. Never stop praying for your child and for your parenting.
I hope this is as helpful to you as it has been to me!